Put This in the Only Men Should Do Column

There are just some things that men should always do. And this, my friends, goes to the top of the list. Chasing a bat flying around the inside of your house armed with a tennis racket. But first...a little background.

We live in a restored old (and by old, I mean 1730's or so) farmhouse that was totally gutted, rebuilt, and added on to. About three years ago, we got up close and personal with some small bats that had made their way into the house. The bat guy who came to "remove the bats in an ethically and completely harmless way" (yeah...whatever...I say kill 'em, just get them out of my house) said that they had apparently lived in one of the fireplace chimneys for years and made a colony there. Hmm...nice story...again, just get them out of my house. Special vents, foam spray, etc. etc. and a boatload of money later, we were bat-free.

Until last week. There I was sitting on the couch watching Sweet Home Alabama when a little dark thing flew over my head around the vaulted ceiling and back upstairs. I now know that when I'm totally freaked out and try to scream, nothing but a little squeak comes out. I warily made my way to the second floor...nothing...continued to the third floor and found it circling a ceiling fan in one of the bedrooms. I quickly slammed the door, and then thought to myself, "What the heck do I do now?"

After heading back downstairs to the family room I began to pace and tried to think. All rational thought had left. And what do you know...here comes bat number two swooping down into the family room to attach itself upside down to the stone wall that is the whole side of the family room. Seriously freaked out now. So what's a girl to do?

I called our friends, Gregg and Ashley who live just down the road and pleaded with Gregg to come over and get them for me. Yes...I'm a wimp. Both Gregg and Ashley (who was only two days out from delivering their baby boy...yes...she's not a wimp) came over. Gregg armed with two racquetball rackets and some serious kung fu moves, managed to thwack both of them, stun them senseless for a few minutes, and shove them out the door. Yes, he's Ashley's husband, but at that moment, he was my hero. And just where was my hero, Phil, during all of this? Overseas in London for the time being. Grrr....dumb work.

Fast forward to last night. I came home from a night out to be un-pleasantly surprised by yet another bat flying around my family room. That's it, I thought to myself, I've got to man-up. So armed with a tennis racket, (my good ol' Andre Agassi racket from high school days) I managed some sweet kung fu moves of my own and hit that bat so hard he skidded and bounced a couple of times across the wood floor. That felt real good. I sandwiched him between my racket and a pad of paper and threw him out the door.

The living room (which I think is their port of entry into my house) now has both French doors closed with towels stuffed around the bottoms of the doors. Called some animal pest removal companies this morning...would you believe that one guy said this time of year is when female bats create "maternity colonies" and it's against the law to remove them until the end of July because they are considered endangered? Seriously, what?! Any bat that gets into my house is going to face me and my tennis racket and will be truly endangered...against the law or not. There's got to be someone out there who will get rid of these things....I'll keep you posted.